


in order to move on

by janetcarter



Category: Sanctuary (TV)
Genre: Death, Gen, Grief, Guilt, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23712844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janetcarter/pseuds/janetcarter
Summary: Helen never thought her time with Ashley would be so short.
Relationships: Ashley Magnus & Helen Magnus
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	in order to move on

**Author's Note:**

> For the "Bad Things Happen Bingo" prompt "cradling someone in their arms." 
> 
> I reference some Latin from the show in this but rewrote it to be as accurate as 4 years of high school Latin could translate. Please never trust anything this show claims is proper Latin. I promise you it isn't.

Ashley was small, fragile, and finally asleep.

Despite Helen's exhaustion, she found it difficult to tear her eyes away from her serene slumber, or the tiny fingers holding her own. She was new to the world, innocent, unknowing. It was Helen's job to protect her and to raise her properly. 

Her daughter was a Magnus, after all. She had it in her to do extraordinary things. Helen had no doubt she would be a bright young woman; one who would do what was right.

Ashley’s hair was blonde, like Helen's natural color. Her name was more modern, being a product of two times. It probably wasn't a name she'd have thought of had she been born decades prior, but it was necessary to fit into the world she _was_ born into: a safer world, Helen hoped, though there was never quite any way to know.

It was a promise she could only hope to keep. There were more traces of him sculpting her face than she wanted to acknowledge. She tried not to think about it, or about outliving her mortal daughter, but actually seeing her…

It was hard, and heaven forbid her biological father still be out there. The thought made her feel sick, which was something her aching body didn't need at the moment.

Ashley shifted in her sleep, making a small noise that made Helen's steel heart melt.

"I promise," she whispered, fingers brushing against soft blonde curls. "I will never, _ever_ let anything happen to you."

-  
  


"Mommy?"

The knock at the door pulled her from sleep. Vision slightly blurry, she'd recognize the tiny hand tugging at her sleeve anywhere. 

"Darling, what is it?" she asked, struggling to hide the frustration of being woken up. She was exhausted from a long day and just wanted to rest before tomorrow’s mission, but something weighed into the mattress beside her. 

"I'm scared," she whispered. Her quiet breath whispered against Helen's ear, as if not to draw her fears closer should they scamper after the sound.

Helen held her tight. She reassured her in the surest voice she could give: "You're safe in my arms."

"Do you swear it?"

"Yes." Helen shifted, arms around her daughter as they got comfortable in the bed. As exhausted as she was… It was nice to not sleep alone. It was nice to feel needed - _loved_. "Yes, I promise."

With Ashley cuddled against her, they drifted off to sleep.

-  
  


Growing up in the Sanctuary meant neither Helen nor Ashley were strangers to death. Helen's father kept her from his world as long as he could, but she couldn't lie to her daughter as he'd lied to her. 

Ashley always lit up when she helped feed the lower risk Abnormals. She was a natural, absorbing all the fun facts Helen gave and cheering the creatures on through gaps in her teeth. 

She wasn't so bright today, however. She was in Helen's arms, head cradled against her shoulder sobbing. One of her favorite Abnormals had passed away.

Helen leaned back into her office's couch, holding her close. "I'm so sorry, darling."

"I miss her," Ashley sobbed, but it took some effort for Helen to understand through her fragmented voice. Helen took a breath to keep her own emotions at bay. It was a tragic loss, yes, but it was the nature of life. 

It still hurt, but it was an expectation. Ashley was newer in her journey and, if anything, it hurt more to see her daughter in pain. It hurt more to recognize that, given the nature of their work, this would serve as preparation for Helen’s own possible death.

"Okay," said Helen, shifting Ashley onto her lap. Ashley looked up at her, and Helen wiped away the tears from her puffy eyes. "I'm going to tell you something very important, alright?"

Ashley nodded, sniffling.

"It's Latin. Nobis dimittendum est ut degamus," she spoke slowly. "Can you say it with me?"

Ashley nodded again, taking a deep breath.

"Nobis dimittendum," Helen repeated.

"Nobis… dimitt…"

"Dimittendum," she aided. "Est ut…"

"Est ut." Focusing on the words had helped her calm down a bit, it seemed.

"Degamus."

She repeated the final word and sniffled. "What's it mean?"

Helen took a deep breath, tucking a strand of blonde behind Ashley's ear. "It's something my father taught me. It means that we have to let go in order to move on. Do you understand?"

"I just wanna play with her again."

Helen cradled her head again. "I know, darling. I know."

"But we have to let go," Ashley echoed into her shoulder, with less confidence than Helen had hoped. There was a shakiness in her tone as she tried to keep the tears at bay. "We have to let go."

-  
  


Helen should have gone with her. It had been one of her first missions alone. Ashley had insisted, and she had proven herself quite capable, but she was still just a child; a child who came back a bloody mess in the most literal sense.

Helen bandaged her up, struggling not to show how much her worry pained her. "I don't understand. What went wrong?"

"I… It's stupid," Ashley said, looking away.

"I doubt that." Helen placed a hand against Ashley's back. "You can tell me."

"You won't be disappointed?"

Helen shook her head, signing on to not "lose her cool" as Ashley would put it any other day.

Ashley bit her lip.

"I was scared."

Helen's heart sunk.

"Oh, darling, that's alright," said Helen, cupping her cheek. Guilt panged in her chest. She should have prepared her for this sort of scenario. She just... she hadn't expected it. "It's alright to be afraid. You're safe now."

Ashley flung her arms around her, safe at last. It wasn't until then that Helen realized just how much she missed their hugs.

-

Helen was afraid.

She'd always sworn to protect her daughter from the world, but now the world needed protection from her daughter. How could she keep the both of them safe? How could she choose?

It was Ashley who made the decision for her.

As her daughter dissolved before her, Helen wanted nothing more than to hold her, to feel her warmth against her one last time, to ground her in the world they were supposed to share. But she was gone.

And she was never coming back.

-

_"Mom?"_

Hope tugged at Helen's sleeve, but she woke up to an empty bed.

She cradled the pillow, sinking her face into its cool surface. Even in the days before Ashley, when the loneliness had weighed her down enough to choose having her child, she hadn't felt this alone. Back then, she didn't have a daughter to lose.

And now she didn't have a daughter at all.

She turned on a light and pulled Ashley's baby blanket from her bedside drawer. She buried her face in it, tears wetting the fabric with what-ifs and regret and more guilt than she could keep bottled up inside any longer.

All she wanted was to go back and protect that little girl as she'd sworn to all those years ago, but she couldn't. All she could do was curl up in the wreckage of the promise she'd failed to keep.

If only she’d held her daughter closer. 

If only she hadn’t let go. 


End file.
